Joined: 29 Jan 2008
|Posted: Sun Mar 02, 2008 11:25 pm Post subject: Tribute to Tommy Cooper
|Found these on the net, thought you guys might like them!
They donít tell em like this anymore !!
I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it.
I thought, "That's Aboriginal."
This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was
a turtle disaster.
I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin?" I
said, "No, permanent."
I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do
you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign it is."
I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They gave me a
Volkswagen with no driver.
Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase and he went
T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my
I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the packet. 'Best
I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said "Analogue." I said
"No, just a watch."
I went into a shop and I said, "Can someone sell me a kettle." The bloke
said "Kenwood" I said, "Where is he then?"
I went to the doctor. I said to him "I'm frightened of lapels." He said,
"You've got cholera."
I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can't remember his name,
it's P something T something R.
I was reading this book today, The History Of Glue. I couldn't put it
I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just
went on and on.
The recruitment consultant asked me "What do you think of voluntary work?
I said "I wouldn't do it if you paid me."
I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said,
"You don't need a tin opener to peel a banana." He said, "No, this is for
This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper.
He said, "I want you to trace someone for me."
I told my mum that I'd opened a theatre. She said, "Are you having me on?"
I said, "Well I'll give you an audition, but I'm not promising you
I phoned the local builders today, I said to them "Can I have a skip
outside my house?" He said, "I'm not stopping you!"
This cowboy walks in to a German car showroom and he says "Audi!"
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, "Nearest the bull goes
first" He went "Baah" and I went "Moo" He said "You're closest"
I was driving up the motorway and my boss phoned me and he told me I'd
been promoted. I was so shocked I swerved the car. He phoned me again to
say I'd been promoted even higher and I swerved again. He then made me
managing director and I went right off into a tree. The police came and
asked me what had happened. I said "I careered off the road"
I visited the offices of the RSPCA today. It's tiny: you couldn't swing a
cat in there.
I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the
shoulders of a couple of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on two
I bought a train ticket to France and the ticket seller said "Eurostar" I
said "Well I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin'.
I phoned the local gym and I asked if they could teach me how to do the
splits. He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays or
I went to the local video shop and I said, "Can I take out The Elephant
Man?" He said, "He's not your type." I said "Can I borrow Batman Forever?"
He said, "No, you'll have to bring it back tomorrow"
A waiter asks a man, "May I take your order, sir?" "Yes," the man replies.
"I'm just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?" "Nothing
special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they're going to die."
Free Pussy Riot!