'Vell' began Babs. ' Eet vould appear zat ve 'ave been taken, how you say, hostage.' she told him. 'Gah! After all me best efforts some other bloke gets you, is that it?' he spat. 'Nein, ve vere taken by force.' she replied. ' Nice...' dribbled Andy. 'Shut it, you idiot.' snapped Luc. 'On with the duel then, or I'll have the lot of you!' snapped Thrustbury. 'But the camp bed isn't big enough for all of us to hop in.' simpered Bunty. 'Believe me, I'm sure there's a way.' said Dr Biggum with an air of experience, grabbing Hooters and pushing her in. Resisting (for now) the urge to join her, he took up the rectal thermometer he'd chosen as a weapon to fend off the mad farmer.
'If there is no other way I must use force, then.' said Biggum heroically. 'But you int a Jedi, guv.' said Bunty. ' No, but I am a doctor and a fine lover.' he said while winking at Hooters. All of a sudden the sound of a lightsaber blade could be heard from his trousers, and he leapt forward to face Thrustbury. 'So be it.' sneered Thrustbury, and a similar noise came forth from his undergarments. He pulled out a pitchfork from behind his back and attempted to hit Biggum, who stabbed him in the arm with his chosen weapon. 'GAAAAHHHH!' screamed the farmer. 'You must know that you are doomed, I get the fair nurse and hero status. You, on the other hand, give farmers a bad name.' chuckled the doctor.
'Maybe so, but I'm not 'arf as posh as you, you cur!' roared Thrustbury, who stood poised to strike with the fork. 'And now I will destroy you.' he added, swinging the weapon at Biggum's particulars. ' NOOO!' yelled Hooters. 'You can't take him from me, his bawdy humour and medical expertise are vital to this whole caper!' she screeched. Unknown to everyone, the nurse had hidden a tranquiliser gun under her top and was prepared to use it.
'What? You wants this fool?' cried Thrustbury. ' Just get on with it!' said Babs and Bunty, who wanted to take Luc and Andy back to bed for on site exercise of their devising. At that moment the three convicts entered. Trumpington led Bonkwell and Shafter into the tent. They were brandishing guns! 'Right, nobody bally move!' yelled Trumpington. 'Except you, Wurzel.' laughed Shafter, pointing to Thrustbury. 'Oh yeah, we want 'im.' added Bonkwell. 'Yes, that was the agreed course of action, you idiots!' bellowed Trumpington. 'Now no one leaves this place until we finish the raid, so stay here and do what you want.' ordered Trumpington.
'Even the old wink wink, nudge nudge.' said Bonkwell. 'Obviously' said Biggum, looking at Hooters.
_________________ The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.
Joined: 02 Aug 2007 Posts: 522 Location: Opposite Town
Posted: Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:30 pm Post subject:
'Gentlemen!' said Matron Hooters, silencing them all with a raised finger. 'If you can't bring yourself to fight a duel, I suggest a party game.'
'Yes?' said all the men at once.
'I think we should play spin the bottle!' She had noticed Thrustbury's vast wine cellar and deduced that he must have an empty bottle or seven somewhere.
'Hooray!' said everyone, relieved of tension at once. They rushed to sit in a circle, while Thrustbury brought a bottle. Matron Hooters grabbed it and was the first to spin. The bottle rotated with great violence, and came to rest pointing at...
Bunty, who looked rather shocked. ' Ooh, what a turnup for the books.' she stammered, for she knew Thrustbury's preferred forfeit. Luc and Andy leered on in the distance, and the criminal fraternity in the tent smirked expectantly. 'Well...' said Trumpington, breaking the silence. 'Get on with it! Nothing wrong with a bit of experimentation, girls!' he cajoled them. ' Well, I say.' spat a flabbergasted Hooters. ' Never in all my years of medical practice have I come across this.' she tutted. ' There's a first time for everyfink dahlin..' sneered Shafter. 'Quiet, you bally fool.' cried Bonkwell, and punched him stoutly.
Hooters decided to take it on the chin. 'Well madam, might I suggest puckering up?' she asked Bunty. 'Alwight then matron.' smiled Bunty, as she planted one on Hooters. Luc and Andy promptly fainted from an overload of dirty pleasures. ' Hooters, would you see to those two young men please?' asked Dr Biggum. ' Anything you say, Doctor. came the reply, and Biggum looked on in earnest as she gave each the kiss of life and a forceful physical examination. ' My, that was something, do you do house calls, Nurse?' asked Luc within minutes of revival.
'That depends.' she purred seductively, removing her hand from his chest. 'Anywho, I believes we has to take another go.' laughed Thrustbury. 'Everyone gather round, like, and we'll see what 'appens next.' he chuckled. It was the farmer's turn to spin, and he did so with gusto. It landed on Andy. 'Right then young lad, you has to prove to Luc that you's more than just good friends..' he rasped. ' I thought the only thing I'd ever do with sausages was cook them, but nonetheless I shall lay back and think of England...' he said.
' Does anyone else think Thrustbury's a bit of a voyeur?' piped up Bonkwell. 'What you been saying, my lad?' roared Thrustbury. 'You thinks that I's using this little game for cheap thrills? Well then, perhaps we shouldn't play this after all.' he said menacingly. Luc and Andy were relieved. ' No, we stops this 'ere, but instead we plays Russian roulette!' he laughed.
A collective gulp rose through the tent. 'Now you sits 'ere my pretties, while I gets my revolver.' he chortled. Hooters tapped Biggum on the shoulder as the mad farmer turned away. 'What do you say to an escape attempt followed by some thank god we're safe hows your father?' she whispered. 'Oh, he's fine.' came the reply. 'No, I mean we all get out of here and I take you up the emergency exit..' she snapped. 'Anything you say, good Nurse.' Biggum winked. 'Right then, on three we move. One, two...' began Hooters. But at that moment Thrustbury turned back to them.....
'You didn't think you was getting away, did you?' he asked. 'Well, actually my good fellow..' cut in Biggum before being silenced by Hooters. The farmer drew his gun. ' Oo err, it looks like a....' spluttered Babs. _________________ The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.
Joined: 02 Aug 2007 Posts: 522 Location: Opposite Town
Posted: Sat Aug 02, 2008 9:18 pm Post subject:
'Willy!' shouted Thrustbury, seeing his under gardener at the window.
'Now then, sir, I've come about our yokel lessons,' drawled Willy. 'Oi thinks that Oi should start charging you more for me teachin' you to speak like what Oi do.'
'Quiet!' shouted the farmer.
'Oi will not be quiet sir!' bellowed the under gardener. 'Oi know your plan is to fool the campers into thinking you are a country lad, where you are really after a good wife to stop the Thrustbury curse!'
There was a shocked silence, partly at the outburst and partly because the story was turning into a bodice ripper instead of a Carry On film.
'I'm shocked,' said Matron Hooters, in a shocked voice. 'Disguising your natural aristocratic nature.'
'Oo, Matron!' giggled the girls, but they were silenced by Luc and Andy wrestling them forcefully to the ground.
Honey stepped forward. 'I now have to use my citizen's powers to arrest you, Thrustbury.' She produced some enormous handcuffs and subdued the farmer, who didn't protest too much at being sat upon by a buxom wench.
'Hey!' complained Andy. 'Get yer filthy sassenach hands off ma woman!' He was already to beat up the defenceless farmer, when suddenly-
...Biggum turned to face them all. 'Good news chaps, Thrustbury's an aristocrat and he's just pretending to be a farm lad!' he shouted in triumph after having been lost in his thoughts. 'We know, fool.' said Honey in a strange Mr T drawl. 'Now, let me arrest the blaggard.' she added forcefully. 'Can it not wait a minute, I'm rather enjoying this!' chortled Thrustbury. 'Shaddap, posh boy.' cursed Shafter. 'My sentiments exactly.' smirked Trumpington. 'Ang on' piped up Bonkwell. 'This means the coppers'll come, and we'll be orf to prison before we get any hows your father.' he gulped.
'You vuld be amazed at how qvickly I can take off my skirt.' purred Babs. 'Alright then love, orf we go!' laughed Bonkwell, slapping her shapely behind as she popped off to pop out into something more comfortable for the old lag. Shafter looked incredulous. 'Ow come 'e gets to get some and I don't?' he asked himself, forgetting he had company. 'No worries guv, I'll show ya a good time!' giggled Bunty.
' Brilliant girl, can't bally wait!' he chuckled as she too went to freshen up. 'Well, now I need a buxom wench and we have a hat trick...' slurred Trumpington. 'Anyone?' he asked. Realising he'd get nowhere he went to sulk in a corner.
' Oh Matron..' purred Biggum. 'Any chance of a physical examination after all this strenous offsite activity?' he asked Hooters. 'I'll just fetch the instruments, Doctor.' she giggled. 'But they're right here.' Biggum laughed, pointing to her top. 'Oh yes, silly me.' she laughed. 'Excellent.' sniggered the doctor. _________________ The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.
Joined: 02 Aug 2007 Posts: 522 Location: Opposite Town
Posted: Wed Aug 13, 2008 9:00 pm Post subject:
Thrustbury was not happy. He'd started out in this story as a bronze chested, rippling muscled farm hand, reminiscent of Lady Chatterley's Lover, and gradually become an aristocratic caricature. He decided to call in his most terrible instrument of revenge, something so awful that the writers of the story would quake in their boots and quickly write him in as Someone To Be Reckoned With.
Taking a deep breath, he summoned all his courage, and roared, with every fibre of his being:
Spoiler:
'Margaret? Margaret!' to his unseen but omnipotent housekeeper
andy saw the 3 thiefs and wondered what they were upto , he decided to keep a close eye on them , so that night he took his telescope and hid , then he spied them diggin in the field , he nudged luc ,
" look at them , whit they diggin a field fur man , there looking fur some it "
" aye they probably are , either that or there trying to find there way back to me mother land , of ireland " _________________
The lags pressed on, not knowing they were being watched? ''Ang on lads, I have a feeling something's afoot.' said Trumpington. 'Yeah, it's usually on the end of a leg and you're stood on mine, you idiot!' rasped Shafter. 'Sorry guv.' sniffed Trumpington. 'Now then, you pair of snivelling ponces, let's crack on with digging this 'ere 'ole.' said Bonkwell. 'Ere 'ole? No mate, 'e was stood on me foot.' laughed Shafter. 'Shaddap and keep digging, we need to have an escape route should 'owt go wrong like.' snapped Bonkwell.
Trumpington was busily digging away. 'Quickly, you ninnies!' he shouted. 'We need somewhere to escape to should this plan go wrong.' he ordered. ' Can we 'ave a bit of a break soon squire? Me back's killing me.' moaned Shafter. 'Sounds reasonable, I've got the 'orn so we can do one job and get back to this one afterwards!' he chuckled, as his mates laughed heartily, still unaware they were being observed.
Andy was still hidden from view, but couldn't work out what to do. Should he tackle the lags in an attempt to be a hero? Or should he rouse Dr Biggum and Nurse Hooters from their physical examinations of each other to alert his fellow campers and surround the wily devils? _________________ The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.
then an idea spung in to his head , as he whispered to luc " let's take the blow up dress it up like a ghost and plays with these here thieftans"
luc reply's " brilliant idea mucker lets really get them "
so they blew up the doll made it look scary as hell , then snuck round behind the thiefs , planted the doll and then luc went back to the look out , while andy had his trusty tapre recorder with ghosty noices on it , and started playing little bit's a time . _________________
All of a sudden the crooks stopped digging. 'Cor!' exclaimed Shafter. 'Is it me or is there a tasty bit of skirt there, boys?' he yelled. Bonkwell and Trumpington looked up. 'Blimey, e's right.' chuckled Bonkwell. 'What say we, err, investigate?' exclaimed a winking Trumpington. So with that they set about looking for this mystery woman. Shafter promptly bumped into her. 'Sorry love.' he said ' Ow rude of me!' he added, and grabbed the young woman's hand.
'MWAHAHAHA!' laughed the recording Andy and Luc had planted on the doll. 'Crikey, looks like she's got issues me old mucker.' laughed Bonkwell. 'Shaddap, she's just nervous, aintcha gorgeous?' asked Shafter, putting a hand on the doll's cheek. It said nothing for a few minutes. 'Obviously the shy type.' said Trumpington. 'Nowt wrong with that, sometimes I wants a bit of peace and quiet but you two eejits never stop bally yapping!' guffawed Shafter.
A ghostly noise came to their attention. ' Oh, fantastic.' hissed Trumpington. 'You two halfwits have bumblingly lead us to some kind of burial ground, haven't you?' he yelled, pointing an accusing finger at his accomplices. 'What? We don't know owt about ghosts and the like, guv.' protested Bonkwell. 'Well how do you explain that then?' spat Trumpington.
'Err, coincidence?' stuttered Shafter. ' Blithering idiots, the pair of you!' hissed Trumpington. They couldn't quite make out the sound of Andy's roaring laughter as his trick deceived them, however. For now....
_________________ The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.
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