FilmFlicking

K · Posted: Sun Jul 13, 2008 3:04 pm Post subject: Carry On On Holiday

[a jolly tale to cheer us all up in the horrible weather]

************

‘Matron!’ exclaimed Dr Darth Biggum, head of St Nicholas Girl’s College. ‘What an improper suggestion!’

‘But Doctor,’ explained Kay Hooters, Matron of the college. ‘I only suggested you take the girls up the back entrance to the camp site.’

‘Oh I see. You mean Starker’s Holiday Village.’

‘Yes. Its quicker if you go by the back entrance.’

I’m sure it is, thought Dr Biggum smoothly. But I do prefer the front entrance.

Meanwhile, in a small semi detached house in Upham, two young ladies were packing for their holidays.

‘Those lads are only after one thing you know,’ grumbled their mother.

‘Oh shush mum, we can handle them,’ said Catnapper, the younger of the Bustingham sisters.

‘Yes,’ added Honey. ‘I always take my copy of the Feminists’ Handbook with me. I can quote the rules at them.’

‘Or failing that, hit them with it,’ laughed Cat: the Handbook was as thick as the Yellow Pages.

‘Ready girls?’ asked Cat’s boyfriend, Lucifer Gropington, coming through the front door.

‘I think they are,’ said Honey’s boyfriend, Aundy Tossing-McCaber. ‘They want a good time.’

When the two parties arrived at Starkers Holiday Village, they were met at the gate by a tanned farm-hand.

‘I’m Nostromo Thrustbury. My family own this campsite,’ he said, in a West Country drawl.

The college girls, Matron and the Bustingham girls swooned while all the men bristled.

‘Ten pounds per person to camp here,’ said Thrustbury.

Dr Biggum, Gropington and Tossing-McCaber grudgingly paid.

All the college girls were sharing tents, but Matron Hooters and Doctor Biggum had a tent each.

To Lucifer and Aundy’s disappointment, Cat and Honey insisted on a separate tent to theirs.

‘It says in Section 20, paragraph 47, that men should not pressure women into sharing tents on holiday,’ quoted Honey from the Feminists Handbook.

‘Wish that book had its own tent,’ muttered Aundy to Luc.

Just then, a pretty blonde college girl knocked at the tent door.

‘Can you help please? My tent is falling down.’

‘Of course.’ Aundy and Luc leapt to her assistance.

When they got to the girls’ tent, they were ready for bed. Luc tripped over a loose guy rope. He grabbed at the nearest thing and ripped off a girl’s nightie.

‘Whatever is going on?’ thundered Dr Biggum, appearing suddenly at the door. Matron Hooters was right behind him.

The girls giggled as Luc helped them with their nighties.

‘How very dare you molest our young ladies?’ exclaimed Matron.

‘Matron! I’ll handle this!’ Biggum reached behind him for his notebook and inadvertently put his hand on Matron’s ample bosom.

‘Oh! Matron!’ he shrilled.

‘Oh… Doctor…’ she breathed.

‘Well that’s quite enough of that!’ he wittered with embarrassment.

Meanwhile, Farmer Thrustbury was visiting the Bustingham sisters.

‘Would you like to come and see my c.o.c.k.?’ he asked. ‘I bought him yesterday, because the hens wore the old one out.’

‘Oh yes,’ said Cat eagerly, feeling abandoned by her boyfriend. ‘Come on Honey!’

Emperor Morphetine · Screen Legend Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 3576

'My, he's a big one!' exclaimed the sisters in unison. 'Yeh' laughed Thrustbury, ' I were told that ladies liked a fair size to hold on to, would you like a picture taken with him, a souvenir?' he asked. 'Oh yes, I think he's the closest we'll be getting to one all holiday!' laughed Honey, as her sister picked up the bird and the farmer got his camera ready. 'Oh, sorry girls.' the farmer said, ' but there's a 'no tops' rule here, so they'll have to be off.' he said.

'Sorry' said Cat, and proceeded to undo hers and her sister's. The farmer's hand strayed from his camera. 'Now pick him up and lets do it, I mean this!' laughed Thrustbury. 'Alright then, how do you want us?' said Cat. ' Maybe all over me..' he accidentally said aloud. 'Pardon me?' said Honey. 'Why, what've you done?' stammered Thrustbury. ' I am referring to your persistent use of innuendo, which is against my feminist beliefs.' huffed Honey.

'Suit yourself' sniffed Thrustbury. 'Now, on with the photo shoot!' he sneered. 'One of you put the bird between your..' he began, until he was interrupted by the two boyfriends. 'Unhand our women, you dirty great leerer!' they yelled in unison, and were about to say something else when they were distracted by their girls physiques. 'Cor blimey, I can't stay mad at those, I mean her!' said Luc, and his cohort echoed his sentiments.

'Now what are you two doing with your tops off and a tantalisingly placed chicken?' asked Andy. 'Err...cooking you a surprise dinner, silly!' stammered Cat.
_________________
The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.

K · Posted: Tue Jul 15, 2008 5:17 pm Post subject:

[come on you peeps, write some more innuendo, you know you can!]

That night, when all the campers were asleep, a Morris Traveller drew up at the gate of Starkers. A black clad man got out, opened the gate, then the car drove in.

The car contained three notorious crooks, Scorpio Trumpington, Rodd Bonkwell and YTTM Shafter.

'Cor blimey guvnor,' said Shafter as he got out of the car. 'Where's the loot, lawks a mercy?'

'Steady on old chap! Keep your voice down!' replied Bonkwell. 'Its a secret mission, what?'

'Put a sock in it, both of you,' said Trumpington. 'Lets just get in, dig it up, get out.'

The three crooks, wearing stocking masks, sneaked across the field in order of height.

'Ow! What was that?' Shafter exclaimed, after tripping over something. 'It looks like a pair of-'

'Melons! I say!' Bonkwell pointed at the camp cafe. 'Fresh melons from abroad. I didn't know we got those in Blighty after the Jerries-'

'Shut up!' hissed Trumpington [the brains of the outfit]. 'We need to get on with finding the loot.'

Suddenly, there was a loud scream.

'Oh my good Gawd!' It was a college girl. 'You look just like my uncle Arthur!'

Trumpington grabbed her and fell into a bush.

'You're a bit forward, arn'tcha?' The girl brayed with laughter and her companion came out of the tent.

What would the three crooks do now?

Emperor Morphetine · Screen Legend Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 3576

Trumpington looked shocked. How could he tell this girl that he was her Uncle Arthur, and that he hadn't seen her in years after going on the run with his criminal friends? He was about to, when he saw her companion. 'Why yes, I am rather forward, better to do a good inside job quickly than leave myself wanting.' he laughed. 'Who's your friend there sweetheart? he leered.

'Oh, that's an old schoolfriend of mine, Felicity Large-Norks.' came the reply. 'An apt name.' leered Trumpington, for he had taken a look at the young lady's assets. Bonkwell and Shafter knew what their leader was up to. 'Oi Guv, we're supposed to be looting this place, not loving and pillaging its women!' yelled Bonkwell. 'Maybe so, but I could always change the plan!' sneered Trumpington. 'Shut it, you plonker.' spat Shafter. 'I'd like to escape from 'er back 'ome as much as the next man but I thought we were 'ere to nick stuff.' he added.

'I'd bally well like to nick these fine young ladies, I've 'arped on about getting meself a trouble and strife for donkey's years.' said Bonkwell. 'Oo err!' laughed Large-Norks. 'What's the matter sweet'art, got the'orn have we?' chortled Bonkwell. 'If you 'ave I fink I've got something that can 'elp.' he said, and withdrew what looked like a sock from his pocket.

'Ang on, are you actually my Uncle Arfur?' the other girl said to Trumpington. 'You know, the silly old boob went missing ages ago.' she added. 'Silly old boob, am I sweet'art?' he spat, blowing his cover. 'Uncle Arfur!' the girl yelled. 'Why've you been 'anging about with these old spivs all these years?' she asked. 'Oi! Us old spivs 'as feelings you know.' cursed Bonkwell. 'And right about now I'd say I 'as the 'orn.' he said, and took Large- Norks into a nearby tent. Shafter sighed.

'When the bally 'ell am I going to get meself some action?' he simpered. 'Listen you 'alfwit.' sneered Trumpington, momentarily lapsing into the Cockney accent of his associates 'you'll get some once we've got what we came for.' he leered. 'Sounds like old Bonkwell already 'as.' laughed Shafter as he heard mans of pleasure from the tent.
_________________
The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.

Nostromo Crew Member · Popcorn Seller Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 73

Meanhwile up at the main house "Dunlikeituppam" Nostromo Thrustbury was whiling away the hours in the main drawing room with a couple of jugs as well as drinking some beer.

"I think the good name of the Thrustbury family has been besmirched, by some of the 'guests' we let in," he sighed in a cut glass English accent, so sharp he had cut himself on more than one occasion.

"I mean, do you know how hard it is to keep this up", he asked his valet.

"I fink this innuendo has got you bamboozled", he replied.

"No, no, I mean the pretence of the tanned, muscular and ultimately good looking bumpkin I'm forced to play because these city folk except a bit of the oooh and arrrr."

"Oh I see, sir".

"I wish my great, great, great, great, great grandfather on my sister's side twice removed for being ungentlemanly was here now, he'd have something to say."

"Probably, arrrgghhhh, as he is quite dead".

"Stevens if I'd wanted wit I'd have come in a clown costume."

"Ooohh errrr, missus!"

"Right that's it, I've had enough innuendo for one day, clear away the jugs"

"What about the glasses?"

"STEVENS!!!"

Emperor Morphetine · Screen Legend Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 3576

Meanwhile, our trio of lusty felons were busy plotting, amongst other things. They'd now moved into a tent with the busty Felicity Large- Norks and her chums and were planning a daring raid up the back passage that night, as well as on the campsite itself. 'Right then you mugs!' spat Bonkwell. 'Lets get on with it, then we can run orf to Sarf America, get some tanned bits of skirt and Bob's yer uncle.' he laughed. 'No 'e ain't, Arfur is!' replied the young girl, who had told them her name was Honey, she was here with her sister and had bumped into the friend they found themselves acquainted with.

'If only we 'ad a hot tub naah, guv..' blurted out Shafter. 'What are you saying, old boy?' said Trumpington gruffly. 'I means to say..' began Shafter, before Bonkwell cut him off. 'You mean to say we romp with these young fillies AND take the loot?' chortled Trumpington. ' A splendid idea my old friend, if I may say so myself.' he wheezed. 'You just did say so yourself, you silly old coot.' growled Large-Norks. 'Shaddap, you're all fur coat and no knickers, love!' cursed Bonkwell. ' Great ain't it?' sniggered Shafter.

'Quite.' said Bonkwell. ' However, we may have a problem. Do we have the required apparatus to go down on this mission?' he asked Shafter, who took the sock like object from his pocket once again. 'Fink so guv, just stick one of these downstairs and yer away!' laughed his cohort. 'Splendid then, tonight it begins.' he ordered.

Meanwhile Dr Biggum and Nurse Hooters were preparing to carry out one of their random health checks. 'Do I have the required instruments, Nurse?' asked Biggum. 'I'll say you do!' chortled Hooters suggestively. 'Quite, last night was wonderful wasn't it?' laughed the good Doctor. 'Tits!' he cursed. Hooters was way ahead of him, having pulled him into a bush and got out her necessities. 'Very nice!' chortled her colleague. 'Also I'm cursing the fact I appear to have forgotten my stethoscope, be a sport and fetch it please Nurse.' he said. She began to redo her top button. ' I didn't ask you to do that!' he said winking.

'Ooh, you are awful!' giggled Nurse Hooters. 'Why yes, I do believe I am.' he replied.
_________________
The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.

K · Posted: Wed Jul 23, 2008 5:35 pm Post subject:

Meanwhile, what had happened to Gropington and Tossing-McCaber? Last seen helping the young girls with their collapsing tents, they were now ensconced in a love nest with the girls. Well, in separate love nests- neither of the lads wanted an orgy!

The girls went by the names of Babs Goodbody and Bunty Onutop [of Russian descent] and they had received jolly good seeings to.

'Oh Luc,' murmured Babs, 'You are a naughty boy!' and gave a laugh like a football rattle.

Luc winced at the noise and guiltily remembered his girlfriend, Cat Bustingham.

'Oh Andy,' murmured Bunty at the same time, 'Am I your girlfriend now?'

Andy also remembered his real girlfriend, Honey, and looked away.

At Dunlikeituppam House, Nostromo was emerging from his daily mudbath, which he took to convince everyone he was a true son of the soil.

'Oh, if only I didn't have to do this,' he sighed crossly. He secretly yearned for a large busted woman to come over and rid him of all his upper class neurotic habits. But he was trapped by his father's will- it specified that the Thrustburys must never let on how posh they were, or the campsite would fail miserably.

He stared out of the window where the campers were emerging for their evening walks or whatever. A large busted woman floated across the field, followed by a dashing slender man in a white coat. Nostromo peered intently at the pair, then at the two people. Perhaps his vision was going to come true after all and he could be free of the Thrustbury curse.

Emperor Morphetine · Screen Legend Joined: 29 Jan 2008 Posts: 3576

He ran out of the stately home towards the slender doctor and his busty colleague, and in his eagerness forgot to emerge properly dressed from the mud bath. ' I say, chaps!' he hollered. ' Would you fine veterans of the medical profession be able to make a quick house call and help with a niggling problem?' he enquired. ' Sorry sir, nice euphemism but I don't bat for that particular side.' replied Dr Biggum, grabbing Hooters and pulling her to his side to illustrate a point. Unfortunately the good doctor had inadvertedly triggered the Thrustbury curse, for when Nostromo saw her he cast off his towel in a fit of passion, causing most of his body to turn a fiery red and the loss of most conventional speech, as he turned into no more than an uncultured boor.

' Oo err, I think he's going to embarrass himself once he sees what he's done!' laughed Nurse Hooters. ' Phwoar! Champion knockers Nursie!' bellowed Thrustbury, now stark naked. ' Good Lord!' yelled Biggum. 'Quickly! Hooters, get him up, I mean inside!' stuttered the doctor. ' But how?' hollered Hooters. ' Hang on, I have an idea.' laughed Biggum, and slowly undid the nurse's uniform. 'Now, you take off the rest and entice him back to his house. I shall meet you there once I have the tools for the job.' he said.

' But you already do..' purred the nurse. ' I know, but I meant medically, my dear.' came the reply. 'My, we make quite an odd threesome.' giggled the nurse. 'You promised me that if we were to do that I could pick a female camper, I have no wish to engage in one with him.' he said, disgusted by the thought.

Meanwhile, Luc and Andy were racked with guilt. 'How could we let ourselves forget our girlfriends?' sighed Andy. ' Simple, we looked at the jugs on offer and didn't pass up!' chortled Luc, unaware of the seriousness of the situation. 'No, you dolt! They'll kill us if they find out.' bellowed Andy. 'But we can't just let Bunty and Babs down like that.' snapped Luc. He was about to make a further point when Babs called to him. 'Oh Luchifffer darlink, come back to bed, you dirrty leetle man.' she purred, undoing her bra. 'You see what we're up against?' said Luc as he jumped back into the sack and snuggled down with her. Andy reluctantly got back into bed with Bunty. 'Wossa matter me old fruit?' she said. 'Didja not get enough of me jubblies?' she giggled, pulling his face towards them.
_________________
The Dark Side is a pathway to many abilities, some considered to be..unnatural.

K · Posted: Thu Jul 24, 2008 8:32 pm Post subject:

But unbeknownst to Luc and Andy, their girlfriends were still enjoying the night with Bonkwell, Shafter and Trumpington.

'Are we any nearer to getting our hands on the loot?' whispered Bonkwell to Shafter.

'I dunno abaht you, me old china,' laughed Shafter, his hands on a large pair of puppies. 'I've got me 'ands on somink.'

'What are they doing here?' gasped Bonkwell. The puppies were a collie and a labrador.

'They're our pets,' trilled Catnapper, stroking the cute little things.

'They're girls of course,' announced Honey. 'The Feminists Handbook says that all pets should be female, as the males wee everywhere.'

'Shut it!' bellowed Trumpington suddenly. 'Enough fun and games!' He got out his large weapon, which was not what you might think, but a sawn off shotgun.

All the girls screamed.

'What the devil are you doing man?' asked Bonkwell.

'These girls are our hostages. We're going to force Thrustbury to show us where the loot is!'

But at that moment Thrustbury was caught up with Matron Hooters and her medicinal colleague. He was transfixed by her enormous pair, and no good for anything, never mind remembering where any treasure was.

'I say!' barked Dr Biggum. 'Stop staring at my friend's chest and face me like a man!'

'Oo ar, what thee gonst do about it?' Thrustbury's accent was wavering wildly from south to north.

'I challenge you to a duel! Choose your weapon!' shouted Dr Biggum, filled with a sense of righteous chivalry.

Nostromo Crew Member · Popcorn Seller Joined: 17 Nov 2007 Posts: 73

"A duel, don't be ridicularse", cried Thrustbury, "what's is this the Middle Ages".

"Middle what?"

"Oh, dear a fick simpleton be you, well you zee back in the olden days before electricity and things like that, it was what was called the Middle Ages and people were very poor and they didn't have anything like the Social where you could claim benefit for your large offspring", he said just as he happened to glance at Babs and Bunty

"'ere who you calling whose offspring big, mine's the perfect size, so my gynaecologist says," snapped Bunty

"And mine" chipped in Babs, "he said he never seen a more substantially designed offspring, especially all the work I put into it."

"Oh god!," muttered Thrustbury, "maybe they should participate in the duel instead and save mankind from chavdom".

"Ahem, if we get back to the matter in hand," cried Dr Biggum annoyed this part of the story had left him standing like a prize nerk whilst the others at least got some dialogue.

"Ooh, saucy", tittered Babs as she went bright red.

"Very well, if you insist, but you arrr gonna regret this", said Thrustbury getting into fighting mode.

He was about to take up arms when mercifully. the author decided at this juncture to re-introduce Luc and Andy.

"Oi, Babs I've been looking everywhere for you, what happened?"