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Lucifer_666
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Joined: 27 Jul 2007
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 Posted: Fri Feb 22, 2008 5:58 pm Post subject: Jokes |
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I just got this on an email and thought I would share it and start a new Joke Thread here...so if anyone else has some jokes to add feel free....
An attractive blonde from Cork arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars
on a single roll of the dice, at the casino.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm
completely nude".
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled,"Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed..."YES!
YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her
clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them
asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."
MORAL OF THE STORY -
The Irish aint stupid and not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
And yes I got this from a female  
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big aundy
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Posts: 4066
Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:54 am Post subject: |
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 good one mate
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big aundy
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Posts: 4066
Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:57 am Post subject: |
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1. 3 guys, 1 Irish, 1 English and 1 Scotch, are walking along the beach one day and come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity."
So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlKaZoom" the oceans were teaming with fish.
The English guy was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that nothing will get in for all eternity.
Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "AlkaZoom - POOF" there was a huge wall around England. The Scot asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."
The Genie explains, "Well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Scot says, "Ach, fill it up with water."
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big aundy
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Posts: 4066
Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 12:59 am Post subject: |
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A Guy walks into a bar with an octopus. He sits the octopus on a stool and announces that this is a very talented octopus, which can play any musical instrument in the world.
Everyone laughs at the man, calling him an idiot. So he says that he'll wager £50 to anyone who has an instrument that the octopus can’t play.
A guy walks up with a guitar and puts it beside the octopus. Immediately the octopus picks up the guitar and starts playing better than Eric Clapton. The guitar man pays up his £50.
Another guy comes up with a trumpet. This time the octopus plays like Miles Davis.
This guy pays his £50.
Then a Scotsman hands over a set of bagpipes. The octopus fumbles with it for a minute and then sits down with a confused look.
"Ha," the Scot says. "Can ye no play it?" The Octopus looks at him and says: "Play it? I’m going to make love to it as soon as I figure out how to get these pyjamas off..."
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big aundy
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Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:03 am Post subject: |
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What do you call an Englishman holding a bottle of champagne after a Six Nations game?
A waiter.
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big aundy
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Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:07 am Post subject: |
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An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman were without tickets for the opening ceremonies of the summer Olympics but hoped to be able to talk their way in at the gate. Security was very tight, however, and each of their attempts was met with a stern refusal. While wandering around outside the stadium, the Englishman came upon construction site, which gave him an idea. Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he presented himself at the gate and said, "Johnson, the pole vault," and was admitted. The Scotsman, overhearing this, went at once to search the site. When he came up with a sledge hammer, he presented himself at the gate and said, "McTavish, the hammer." He was also admitted. The Irishman combed the site for an hour and was nearly ready to give up when he spotted his ticket in. Seizing a roll of barbed wire, he presented himself at the gate and announced, "O'Sullivan, fencing."
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Lucifer_666
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:12 am Post subject: |
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Very good Sta
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big aundy
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Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:13 am Post subject: |
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There's an English man, Irish man and a Scotsman. They're being chased by a policeman. They see this old warehouse so they run in. Inside there are 3 empty sacks on the floor. They each jump in a sack. In comes the copper and see's these three bundles on the floor. Goes up to the first one and kicks it. The English man shout out, "Woof Woof", and the copper thinking it's just an old dog leaves it and kicks the second sack. The Scotsman yells out, "Me-ow me-ow", he leaves this one as well thinking its just an old cat. He walks over to the last sack and kicks it, and the Irish man yells out.. "Potatoes Potatoes..!"
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big aundy
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Posts: 4066
Location: scotland
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:15 am Post subject: |
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There was an Scotsman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train,there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.
Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Scotsman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped. The Englishman was thinking: 'The Scottish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.' Claudia Schiffer was thinking: 'The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Scotsman and got slapped for it.' And the Scotsman was thinking: 'This is great. The next time the train goes through a tunnel I'll make that kissing noise and slap that English b*****d again.
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Lucifer_666
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| Posted: Sat Feb 23, 2008 1:25 am Post subject: |
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I bet your loved at all the English gatherings Sta I like em
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